


I Don't Know How I Can Do Without

by closetbidisaster



Series: Fics inspired by songs [12]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, sad Kellex, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 14:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21357487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetbidisaster/pseuds/closetbidisaster
Summary: It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone, and I need you nowAnd I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk, and I need you nowAnd I don't know how I can do without, I just need you nowOrthe Kellex break-up fic I've been promising for like a month now
Relationships: Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara
Series: Fics inspired by songs [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1516991
Comments: 11
Kudos: 35





	I Don't Know How I Can Do Without

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
> 
> song suggestion from @omfgUWU
> 
> Buckle up, it is sad city today, folks!

Alex sat on the floor of her apartment, leaning against the cabinets in the kitchen as she played back the events of the last few months in her head. Everything had been perfect. They had completed their victory tour to celebrate winning the World Cup, prepared to say farewell to Jill, and returned to their clubs to continue the season. Most importantly, they had been together. Whether it was doing a segment together with Pinoe and Katie Nolan, recording a podcast with Julie Foudy, or spending any and all downtime together, the last few months had been a whirlwind, but still good. Everything had been going right for them for once. Alex had even bought a ring, with the intention to propose after their last two friendlies of the year. But it never happened.

* * *

They had been strolling around Chicago, the day before the final match against South Korea. It was a beautiful day, the sun shining and a light breeze. They visited the mall and Alex had dragged Kelley through all eight floors of Macy’s while Kelley wondered why the hell there was a need for eight floors of Macy’s. Alex had been able to tell how distracted her girlfriend was but thought it was due to her being upset about the trainer’s report on her ankle. Alex understood her frustration; her knee was still killing her and she could barely run at practice. After roughly two hours of shopping, or as Kelley called it, “cruel and unusual punishment”, the two of them headed back to their hotel. When they arrived, Alex had invited Kelley up to her room, but the defender had declined the offer, avoiding eye contact with her girlfriend.

“You’d rather hang with Sonnett and the kids than me? Alright, guess you’re sleeping on the couch when we get back home, O’Hara,” she teases Kelley, who keeps avoiding her eyes and does nothing to retaliate, something that does not sit well with Alex. Taking a tentative step forward, she reaches for one of Kelley’s hands. Grabbing it, she squeezes softly.

“Kel? What’s up?”

“I can’t do this anymore,” a broken whisper reached Alex’s ears and her breath hitched. They had only recently gone public with their relationship, right after the World Cup, despite dating for the last three years. Alex was used to all the attention from fans, to having them be overwhelming and sometimes going a step or two too far with her personal life. But Kelley was not quite as used to her level of fame. When they confirmed their relationship, Kelley’s phone had nearly broken trying to keep up with the new followers she was accumulating by the minute. Alex had warned her to turn her mentions off until things died down a little. But Kelley, being Kelley, chose to ignore the warning. And it all became too overwhelming for her. She could handle the attention when it was focused on soccer, no problem. She knew she was good at soccer, one of the best in fact. But having her relationship under the microscope and watching every little interaction they had be picked apart by journalists and fans alike caused her anxiety to spike tremendously. She had been honest with Alex, telling her that she was okay with the public knowing, but she did not want their relationship to be front-page news. They could post occasionally, and commenting on socials didn’t have to stop, but she did not want to flaunt their relationship or have it be everywhere. Kelley liked to give fans content and enjoyed interacting with them, but she wanted her private to remain, well, private. Alex had agreed immediately. She loved Kelley and she didn’t need to prove it to the world, so long as the two of them knew how they felt and where they stood. But the fans still found things out and found ways to pick apart their every move. It was only a matter of time before Kelley broke.

And break she did. Standing in front of Alex in the lobby of their hotel, tears in her eyes, she had told Alex she could no longer take all the heat. She had disabled her comments on Instagram, had avoided Twitter for nearly two months, and even stayed away from FaceBook. But she couldn’t escape it all. Alex had stood, frozen in her spot and watched Kelley walk away, tears falling, realizing she had just lost the love of her life. Tobin and Allie had found her standing there and had guided her back to Allie’s room and sat Alex down on the bed, waiting for her to tell them what was wrong.

A few doors down, Kelley was crying into Christen’s shoulder while Ali rubbed her back, sobs racking her body as she relayed how everything had been building for the last month or so and how she finally broke, unable to fight them off anymore. Her voice broke when she told her friend that it was over between them.

* * *

Alex feels herself reaching for her phone, unable to stop herself. She quickly pulls up the number she has wanted to call since she got back to Los Angeles. Her thumb hovers over the call button, but she keeps herself from actually pressing it. She knows that it’s unfair, but she wants to know if Kelley still thinks about her the same way she thinks of the freckled defender. She shouldn’t call regardless. The clock in her kitchen reads that it is already after one a.m. here, meaning it is four a.m. in Georgia. Kelley is definitely asleep, enjoying her time off with family before they are due to report to Columbus for camp for their final two friendlies with the new coach. She had agreed to give Kelley space when Christen had told her that was the older woman’s one request. She had been slightly hurt that she hadn’t spoken to her directly, but she understood. If she called, she would be breaking her word to Kelley. She had already broken one promise to her, the one to never cause her pain. If she broke another, she would never forgive herself. So instead she dials Tobin, hoping the midfielder is still awake.

* * *

Unbeknownst to Alex, Kelley is actually in California. She had made a spur of the moment decision to visit her old college stomping grounds in an attempt to rediscover her love for soccer, unattached from Alex. She had brought Christen, Andi, and Tierna with her, playing the trip off as an excuse for them to return to their roots, despite the fact Andi had started school there four years after Christen graduated, and Tierna two years after Andi. The four of them had wandered around campus, reminiscing old times, recalling playing on the field. The youngest of the group had shared stories she remembered from watching the older two play growing up. The oldest two spoke of what it was like balancing school with traveling for youth national teams.

“T, I think you made the right decision, dropping out. I don’t know how I survived and I wasn’t even playing for the senior team yet,” Kelley tells the youngest national team player who blushes slightly.

The four of them sat in a bar, one that Kelley and Christen had frequented during their time here. Three of them nursed mixed drinks, while the oldest was ordering a third shot of whiskey, trying to numb the ache in her heart. Kelley keeps glancing towards the door as if she is expecting someone else to make an appearance. Eventually, Christen leans over to speak to her.

“Hey, she doesn’t even know you’re here. Even if she did, she’s nearly six hours away,” she says softly, patting her hand. Kelley looks down briefly, blinking rapidly. When she looks back up, there are tears in her eyes and Christen just smiles sadly, eyes flicking briefly to the younger two who had gone back to the bar for more drinks. She waits for Kelley to speak.

“Do you think she thinks about me?” her voice is shaking and she knows she sounds desperate, but at the moment, she doesn’t care. Christen is unsure how to respond. She doesn’t think there is a good response to this question. Either way, Kelley will end up hurting. Before she is able to voice any thoughts, the defender is speaking again.

“I can’t stop thinking about her. No matter what, everything points back to her. Even being here, all I can think of is playing Berkeley. Wondering who their insanely talented striker was, wondering if we’d ever meet. I can’t even come back to one of my favorite places without it being filled with memories of _her_,” her voice breaks and again, Christen is left searching for the right words to comfort her friend. Glancing towards the bar, she sees Andi and Tierna give a signal to let her know they will meet them back at the hotel.

Christen sighs and then stands. “Alright, that’s it. Let’s go. We’re gonna walk around and find someplace that doesn’t hold memories of her and you’re going to remember why you love this place.”

Kelley stumbles a little when she stands, a little drunker than she had intended on getting. She reaches to grab her phone, but Christen snatches it before she can. “Hey!”

“Nuh-uh. You will not be using this while drunk. I am not stupid, Kel. I’ve known you for like 12 years now. I know what you’ll do if I give you this phone,” she crosses her arms and Kelley rolls her eyes, not appreciating being treated like a child.

“I just wanna text the children, let them know we’re okay,” Christen rolls her eyes back at her.

“Seriously Kel, you insult my intelligence. First, I already texted them. Second, we both know you’re going to try and call her and that will not end well for either of you,” Kelley looks away, cursing Christen for knowing her so well. She relents, letting Christen keep her phone and follows her out of the bar. They stand outside, waiting for their ride in silence. Kelley racks her brain, trying to think of somewhere, anywhere that won’t be tainted with thoughts of her. She groans in frustration and Christen turns to her with a brow raised in question.

“She’s literally everywhere. I can tie everything back to her. It’s not fair,” she complains, growing irritated. She hadn’t even known Alex in college, not beyond the pitch. How was it possible that she felt her presence regardless of where she was. Christen looks up at the night sky, pulling her thoughts together before responding.

“Maybe you don’t need to find a place vacant of memories of her,” Kelley opens her mouth to speak, but Christen cuts her off. “I know what I said inside. But maybe you need to learn to look back on the memories fondly. Yes, they’ll hurt at first, but do you really want to feel nothing? Because the Kelley I know would learn from the pain and grow from it. She wouldn’t let herself go numb.” The older woman stands there in silence for a couple of moments.

“I’d rather feel the pain.”

* * *

Three months later and they are both still messes. Alex has moved into a new apartment, unable to stay in the old one due to it being full of old memories. Kelley has found a new place as well, deciding to stay in California, but still, avoid the younger woman. They really only interact when they are at national team camps together. When they play each other in club, one or both usually opt out of the non-mandatory mandatory national teammate drinking session after the game. One night though, they both decide to attend, not knowing the other will also be there. They arrive at nearly the same time and Kelley nearly bolts when she makes eye contact with Alex right outside the door. The younger of the two stopping and staring at her.

“Kel,” the surprise is evident in her voice, “I didn’t know you’d be here.” Alex looks guilty and Kelley had heard the nerves in the second half of her statement. She shook her head.

“That’s okay. I didn’t think I was. Ash called me. Told me that if I didn’t show, she’d revoke my godmother privileges,” she tries to joke. They stand there awkwardly for a moment before Alex speaks up.

“I-I miss you, Kel,” the defender flinches slightly. The words she had wanted to hear, but the ones she knew would hurt so much. And she had been right. They had hurt a lot. She could not let herself get pulled back in. It had all been too much for her to handle and she was unsure she would survive another round of it.

“I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry. I have to go,” she spins on her heel quickly. She wipes at her eyes, getting rid of the tears that had popped up as she walks away. She hears Alex call for her, but she keeps going. Her heart breaks with every step but she keeps going, knowing that if she stops, she will let herself fall again and she cannot afford that. She forces herself to not look back and gets in her car. She goes to leave, but cannot miss the hurt on Alex’s face as she watches her drive away.

“I need you,” the striker whispers to no one, watching Kelley’s car disappear.

“I can’t give you what you need,” Kelley keeps driving.

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to @omfgUWU for the song suggestion and getting me to finally write the Kellex break-up fic I've been trying to write.
> 
> Feel free to drop a song suggestion; all genres welcome!


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